The Fighting Suitors Rated T
by Tirlalaith FantasyComedian
Summary: Just when Sam thought he was the only lover for Rosey Cotton, he finds out that Pippin Took has dibs on her also! How will these two promising suitos of Rosey, be able to still retain friendship and be married before all is lost? Find out!


Disclaimer: All characters are the creations of Tolkien, and any misrepresentation of those characters is here made solely for laughs. All credit is given to J.R.R. Tolkien, whom I hail as one of the greatest writers of all time.

These Lord of the Rings events take place before the quest to destroy the One Ring.

THE FIGHTING SUITORS BY Tirlalaith [COMEDY]

(Sam is smoking next to Bag End lane with Pippin as they are thinking their thoughts. Merry goes into Bag End with Frodo to have a fill of beer. They shut the door behind themselves only leaving the two hobbits to their thoughts.)

Sam: Hey Pip. Have you ever been in love with someone?

(Pippin shruggs his shoulders)

Pippin: I can't say I have.

Sam: Oh, come on. There must have been someone beautiful in your life.

Pippin: Oh, there is one I love now but I don't want to give it away.

Sam: Come on please; just tell me. I won't tell any Hobbit in the Shire, not even Bilbo or Mr. Frodo.

Pippin: Well...all right.

(Sam more eager)

Sam: Good. Go on!

Pippin: She's...

(Pippin happy and nervous)

Sam: Yes?

(Says with a smile calmly.)

Pippin: Rosy Cotton!

(Sam's eyes widens in shock and disappointment.)

Sam: Rosy? Cotton?

Pippin: Yes! She's perfectly beautiful and I don't see any other hobbit she would like except but me.

(Pippin grabs the edges of his jacket and sticks them out like a business man and lets out a sigh. Sam pass's Pippin in shock and slowly goes to the Bag-End door and then opens it and closes it behind himself. Pippin doesn't notice Sam's shock, but thinks of Rosy Cotton and trumps off towards the direction of Rosy Cotton's house. Sam walks down the hall and ignores Frodo's offer for some beer and goes into the writing room. Sam stares at the papers and ink pens and then sits down and writes. Meanwhile, the day has turned into evening and Pippin has reached Rosy Cotton's house in happiness. Pippin sees a flower growing out of one of Rosy's flower pots and he pulls out the flower (with the roots still connected) and sticks it in his button hole. He then knocks on the door. The door opens and Rosy sees Pippin and smiles.)

Pippin: Hi Rosy!

Rosy: Hi...Pippin.

Pippin: I walked all the way just to take you out to dinner at the Green Dragon.

Rosy: Ok. Just let me get dressed and I'll be out.

(Rosy leaves the door open and walks down a hall and disappears into another room.)

(Pippin steps in and walks into the living room. He sees some tea ware sitting on the table and picks up one of the empty cups and inspects it. Rosy opens her door and walks out with a shawl around herself. Pippin sees her and in surprise, drops tea cup on his foot. Pippin grunts in pain.)

Rosy: All right I'm ready.

Pippin: Good!

(Pippin grabs her arm and runs across to the Green Dragon.)

(As they walk in Pippin seats her at a table and grabs one of the Sacksville's Bagginse's beer cups and puts it in his place. Sacksville shouts in surprise and in anger and narrows his eyes at Pippin. Pippin doesn't notice this but goes to the bar and leaps onto the counter and behind it. Grabbing a medium sized barrel of beer he shoves his way through the coming crowd of customers and places the barrel next to Rosy and smiles idiotically. Pippin grabs the "stolen" hobbit cup and places it under a hole. The hole is plugged up with a wooden peg. Pippin grabs wooden peg and throws it on the table. Beer spews out of the barrel and falls in cascades onto Pippin's lap. Pippin ignores it and puts his cup under it and takes a drink. Rosy lifts her eyes in surprise and question. After taking several drinks he lays his cup down and lets the beer fall still from the barrel.)

Pippin: So Rosy...what will it be?

Rosy: What?

(Pippin smiles dumbly and drunkenly)

Pippin: A smile or a kiss?

Rosy: A smile or a what?

(Pippin totally forgets what he says and grabs another cup off a bartender's tray and places it in front of Rosy)

Pippin: Do you want some beer?

(Pippin burps loudly)

Rosy: I don't drink beer.

Pippin: What? You don't drink beer with love? What is beer without love?

(Rosy rolls her eyes.)

Rosy: I need to get going.

Pippin: All right. I'll escort you there as far as Bywater and Wave.

Rosy: Goodbye. (Under her breath she says,) Good Ridance.

(Rosy runs across the Bywater road to her house and closes the door behind herself.)

(Pippin raises his cup.)

Pippin: Goodbye. Fair Maiden of the Golden Ale.

(Pippin falls backwards in drunkenness and slams himself into a bunch of tables.)

(Meanwhile Sam marches out of Bag End with a letter in his hand and goes in the direction of Rosy's house. When he reaches there he sighs in uneasiness and knocks on the door.)

Rosy: Who is it?

Sam: It's me. Sam.

(Rosy recognizes the voice and runs down the hall and opens the hobbit door.)

Rosy: Sam? What are you doing here at this time of night?

Sam: I...came to tell you that I...well I for evermore...wish your...oh hang it!

Rosy: Hang what?

Sam: Here's a letter from me don't read it until tomorrow. Goodbye.

(Sam grabs the knob and shuts the door in her face; not rudely though.)

(He then sighs again and tromps toward the Green Dragon.)

(The Next Day...)

Merry: Pippin you don't look so good. Are you felling okay?

(Pippin opens his eyes dumbly with his tongue sticking out and then recognizes it as Merry.)

Pippin: I'm fine. Fine as fine can see.

(Merry grabs a bucket of water next to Pippin and dumps it on his face. Pippin gets up quickly.)

Pippin: What did you do that for?

Merry: You were dead-drunk.

(Pippin gets up slowly.)

Pippin: Of course! That is why I'm going to confess my love to my love.

(Pippin raises his arms quickly in a stretch and knocks Merry in the chin and falls over unconscious. Pippin then walks slowly down to Rosy's house and knocks on the door.)

Rosy: Who is it?

Pippin: It's me your go-getter.

Rosy: What do you want Pippin?

Pippin: I want to take you out on a boat ride.

Rosy: Really? Are you sober?

Pippin: Of course.

(Pippin hicks.)

Rosy: That's good. I'll be out in a moment.

(Pippin taps his foot on the stone until Rosy steps outside.)

Rosy: Hi Pippin. So where do you want to take me.

Pippin: Anywhere you want my hay-berry.

Rosy: Hay-berry?

(Pippin re-vises his words.)

Pippin: I meant anywhere you want.

Rosy: Ok. How bout rowing on Bywater.

Pippin: Sure.

(The two walk together in hands and reach the edge of the river. Pippin pushes the boat out. The boat goes out of Pippin's reach and Pippin tries to grab it but falls face flat into the river. Rosy covers her eyes until she hears Pippin getting out. Pippin grabs the boat by a string and then leads to the bank. Rosy smiles and steps in. Pippin steps onto river bank and steps into boat but falls into it; pushing the boat out. Pippin gets up and notices he left the oars.)

Pippin: Oh, man.

Rosy: What?

Pippin: I forgot the oars.

Rosy: That's all right will just wait until the boat is near a bridge and then we'll talk together.

Pippin: Sure.

(They wait until the boat slowly floats down to the bridge and then they tie the string to a hook to one of the pillars and then talk together. Meanwhile Sam walks by and sees Pippin and Rosy together. Sam's eyes widen and he drops the books he's holding and then climbs onto the railing. He then jumps off and into the boat; knocking the boat to one side which knocks Pippin over into the river and leaves only Rosy and Sam.)

Sam: Hi Rosy.

Rosy: Sam!

Sam: Where do you want to go?

Rosy: Down stream a little bit and then I'll request you to go and get some oars.

(Sam nods and unties the string. They float down until hitting a bank and then Sam runs to go get two oars. Meanwhile Bilbo and Merry are sowing some clothes and they hear a splash and a scarf flip over a railing. Merry recognizes it as Pippin and turns to Bilbo.)

Merry: It's the monster from the Black Lagoon.

(Bilbo turns his head and sees Pippin climbing onto the railing and jumps down.)

Bilbo: In Master Peregrine's clothes and form.

(Pippin is annoyed and wipes his eyes.)

Pippin: Get me a towel.

Merry: Yes monster. Pippin.

(Merry runs down a road and disappears.)

Bilbo: What happened to you?

Pippin: A fat florist knocked my boat over.

Bilbo: Oh. Pity.

(Pippin throws down his wet scarf and storms off to Bag End. Meanwhile Sam and Rosy are talking until Sam makes the boat hit the bank. The boat finally gets directed towards the bank and hits it. Rosy jumps off onto it.)

Sam: Where are you going?

Rosy: I just remembered it's your birthday. Besides, father is expecting me to make some dinner for him. Goodbye.

Sam: But...

(Rosy leaves and is gone.)

Sam: Goodbye. You look beautiful and smell good will you marry me? I love you.

(Sam hits his head against the boat in frustration and then leaps back on shore. He then walks until he gets to Bag End and goes to Frodo's room. He then goes to his music boombox and turns on some music. He then picks up a cell-phone and hears Rosy Cotton's answering machine. He then waits for the tone and then looks at himself in the mirror.)

Sam sings along with the music: Nothing you can do can make me untrue to my guy. (Mimicks) My guy. Nothing you can say can take me away from my guy. (Mimicks) My guy.

(Sam stops when he sees Pippin peaking and smiling at his "dance" movements. Sam turns off cell phone and slams Pippin against the other wall.)

Sam: Don't you ever do that when I'm talking to a hobbit friend.

Pippin: O right! Cool it hobbit.

Sam: When I'm talking it gets to hot in there. Don't you see it. The window's open! The window's...

Pippin: O right! Cool it hobblita.

(Sam then goes back into his room and turns on his cell phone. Pippin goes out of Bag End and goes in the direction of Rosy Cotton's house again. Sam gets a hold of Rosy on his cell phone.)

Sam: Rosy?

Rosy: Yes?

Sam: Did you read my letter?

Rosy: No. I couldn't find it anywhere.

Sam: Where did you put it?

Rosy: On my window sill this morning.

Sam: It's probably Pippin who did it.

Rosy: What?

Sam: Never mind. I'll take care of him. Goodbye.

Rosy: Sam...

(Sam turns off cell phone and places it on Frodo's bed. Frodo steps into the room.)

Frodo: Sam, can I borrow your cell phone?

Sam: Sure Mr. Frodo.

(Sam walks out and into the garden.)

(Frodo picks up cell phone and dials 0. After an little while an operator picks up the connection.)

Operator: Yes sir?

Frodo: Please connect me with Gandalf.

Opperator: Wait a moment.

Gandalf: Hello?

Frodo: Gandalf! This is me Frodo.

Gandalf: Oh hi! What were you calling me about?

Frodo: When will you be coming to Bilbo's birthday party?

Gandalf: Oh I almost forgot! I'm packing right now.

(Crashes into the distance. Frodo smiles a little and squints.)

Frodo: I'll talk to you later, bye.

(Frodo turns off cell phone and then goes to Sam's picture gallery. He then lifts his eyebrows in interest.)

Frodo: Sam?

Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Did Rosy take this picture?

(Frodo holds up cell phone to reveal a picture of Sam's feet with soil and grass sticking out between his toes.)

Sam: Why? But? It must be Pippin!

Frodo: Pippin?

Sam: Yes Pippin. He's been trying to steal my lovely Rosy from me.

Frodo: But it's your...

Sam: Please Mr. Frodo. I know it's my Birthday but I'll make this day a more memorable day when I see that Took have a black eye.

Frodo: Okay.

(Sam grabs a staff and walks out leaving the door still open.)

(Meanwhile Pippin has had a pint too much and is now going to Rosy's house again. Pippin knocks on the hobbit door. No answer. Pippin bangs on the door and cries in pain; while nursing his hand. Still no answer. He kicks the door and starts jumping up and down in pain.)

Rosy: Who is it?

Pippin: It's me. Your hay-berry.

Rosy: Why are you here?

Pippin: To confess my sins to you.

Rosy: Your what?

Pippin: My sins.

Rosy: Sins.

Pippin: Yup.

(Pippin hicks)

Rosy: Okay. What sins have you committed?

Pippin: I've committed none.

Rosy: Then why do you want to confess your sins in the fist place.

Pippin: I said nothing of the sort. I want to confess my love to you.

Rosy: Oh?

Pippin: Rosy? Will you marry me?

(Pippin faints and falls backwards in happiness. Rosy hears the sound of his fall.)

Rosy: Good Night Pippin.

(Several hours later...)

(Pippin wakes up and finds the lights in the Cotton house are off and looks like everybody's gone. He gets up slowly with a grunt and rubs the back of his head. He then decides to go back to Bag End and celebrate Sam's birthday. While he's walking along he meets Merry.)

Merry: Hello Pip. What happened to you?

Pippin: Nothing at all, Merry. I was just simply overcome with love and happiness.

Merry: Oh. Well any way Pip I was going to go back to Frodo's house and blow up some fire-works that I stole from Gandalf's last visit. Do you want to have some?

Pippin: Sure.

(Pippin grabs eight fireworks instead of accepting them from Merry and runs down the Bywater road; with Merry lagging behind. When they reach there Merry goes in but Pippin climbs to the top of Bag End and looks into the chimney. He smells Sam's cooking and then takes one firework. He then looks down it and is about to drop the firework when he falls down into the chimney. Sam's back is turned and he is chopping some bread.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo? How many pieces would you like?

Frodo: Sam! This is your birthday. And you're not supposed to cook on that day!

Sam: Well I'm usually the cook Mr. Frodo.

(The hobbits in the living room here a crash and see a hobbit's feet sticking out over the fire with a fire-work hanging very close to the flames. One of the flames catches onto the fuse and speeds off. A scream is heard and the feet slowly disappear. Sam looks at the furnace and then at Frodo in question. Frodo looks at Merry in question. Merry smiles nervously and shrugs his shoulders. Then they continue eating. Hours later into the night Sam's birthday party is over and the Cotton family go out from Bag End while Sam falls behind and escorts Rosy himself towards her home.)

Rosy: This is a lovely night.

Sam: Yes you are.

Rosy: What?

Sam: Oh. Uh...the rocks? Trees? Stars? Uh, what were we talking about?

Rosy: Nothing.

(Meanwhile Pippin sees the Cotton family and sees to his utter shock that Sam is escorting Rosy himself. Pippin hurries tying a rope to a bough of a tree that has been growing on top of the Cotton Family's hobbit hole. He then wraps the remainder of the rope around his waist and hides behind the thin tree. The Cotton family go on ahead to the Green Dragon while Sam and Rosy are standing before the hobbit door saying goodnight.)

Sam: Rosy?

Rosy: Yes?

Sam: I...um...well I love...I mean I love y...nevermind.

(Rosy smiles.)

Rosy: Goodnight Sam.

Sam: Goodnight Ro...

(Rosy reaches out to Sam and grabs him from behind his head and forces a kiss. Pippin takes his chance and swings out. But he miscalculated how much rope he had and misses Sam by a foot and smashes right above the front door. Rosy and Sam don't notice this though.)

Rosy: Goodnight Sam.

(Rosy immediately goes into her home and shuts the door without seeing Pippin. Sam turns around in happiness; but in annoyance for his shyness.)

Sam: How can it be a good night? With all the annoyances in the world? Well that won't stop me from finding Pip and giving him a black eye or two.

(Sam leaves and crosses the Bywater road to the Green Dragon to get drunk. Pippin groans and unsticks himself from the earth and pulls the rope that was tied around his waist. He then falls down to the ground. Pippin groans and gets up and walks towards the Green Dragon. Getting there the first hobbit couple he meets are the Sackville Bagginses.)

Mr. Sackville: Hey there Peregrin. Do you know where Bilbo Baggins has got to?

Pippin: I haven't the mistiest.

Mr. Sackville: Well when you do, please give this note to him to meet me here tomorrow at noon.

(Mr. Sackville hands Pippin a note and then the Sackvilles leave. Pippin looks at it and crumples it and drops it on the ground. He then goes into the Green Dragon.)

Hobbit Bartender: What will it be Peregrin?

Pippin: Some strong, very strong beer.

(Bartender's eyes lift in interest but listens to Pippin and fills a hobbit cup full of the strongest beer. Pippin takes it and lifts it in "cheers". Pippin drinks it in one draught just when Sam sees him.)

Sam: Hey you. Pippin!

(Pippin turns around dumbly and looks at Sam.)

Pippin: Yes. Sam what can I do you for?

(Sam slams his beer cup onto his table in front of him and stands only a few feet away from Pippin.)

Sam: You can owe me a black eye for all the nonsense you give to Rosy.

(Pippin hicks.)

Pippin: Owe you a black eye? All right then here it goes.

(Pippin slams a full fist into Sam which knocks Sam into some hobbit tables. Sam gets up while Pippin stands with lifting eyebrows. Sam lands a fist into Pippin which knocks him into the hobbit bar. Pippin slowly recoils and tries to punch Sam but is so drunk that he falls over with his punch and slams into some other hobbit tables unconscious. Sam wipes his hand on his pants and drops several coins for his drink and mess. When Sam's gone Pippin gets up slowly and drops two teeth onto the bar and goes out. After only going for about several feet away he drops down into a manure pile.)

(The next day...)

(Frodo is sitting against a tree and is waiting for Gandalf. Just above him are Merry and Pippin at the very top.)

Merry: See any sign of him yet?

Frodo: No.

Pippin: Maybe he forgot. Maybe he thinks we hobbits are not important.

Frodo: I wouldn't think so Pip. Gandalf never forgets us peaceful folk.

Merry: How can you be sure? Maybe he forgot to bring his fire-works and is heading back home to get them.

Frodo: Shush. I can hear something.

(Far off they here a song coming closer and closer.)

Voice singing: The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.

Frodo: That must be him.

(Frodo gets up with a big smile on his face and runs down the hill to expect the coming wizard. Merry jumps down and onto his feet and runs towards Hobbiton to spread the news to all who would listen. Pippin smiles and climbs down little by little. His foot steps onto a weak branch and he falls down to the ground. Meanwhile Frodo gets down to the hill and sees a wizard in a wagon filled with many fire-works in the bed of it.)

Frodo: You're late.

(The wizard stops the horse and lifts his eyes slowly to meet eyes with Frodo.)

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he late…

Frodo: You already said about late.

Gandalf: …he arrives precisely when he means to.

(Frodo keeps on a serious face with Gandalf until the other can't hold out much longer and burst out into laughter.)

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you Gandalf.

(While saying that he leaps and jumps right on top of Gandalf. Gandalf laughs but inside him he grunts in pain. With a smile he says,)

Gandalf: You don't think that I would miss your uncle Bilbo's birth.

(Then Frodo sits next to Gandalf and Gandalf picks up the reins and coaxes the horse to move on. While there riding along Pippin is waiting in a tree above a road and sees Gandalf talking with Frodo. Once the wagon is above him Pippin jumps and misses the wagon by a foot and falls to the ground. Gandalf and Frodo don't notice this but keep talking.)

(Hours later...)

(The Sackville Bagginses trot towards Bag End in a huff-and puff sort of mood. When they reach there Mr. Sackville knocks on the door.)

Mr. Sackville: Bilbo Baggins! I know you're in there so you might as well as come out! I told Peregrin to give you a note that said to meet me at the Green Dragon at noon to discuss my share of your property.

(Meanwhile Bilbo hears Mr. Sackville and he looks behind a wall into the front window to make sure that they are gone. After some time the Sackville Bagginses leave and Bilbo sighs in relief.)

Bilbo: So...what will it be Gandalf?

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.

Bilbo: Are you sure you don't want any coffee? Or any soda to drink?

Gandalf: No I'll just stick with the tea.

Bilbo: All right.

(Gandalf slides his feet under the little hobbit table and accidentally tips it over; making a huge clattering noise. The Sackvilles stop in their steps and trot back to Bag End.)

Mr. Sackville: Bilbo! You better come out and stop pretending you're not there or else I'll...

(A goblin head gets thrown from a window and rolls near Mrs. Sackville's feet.)

Mrs. Sackville: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr: Sackville: Come along dear! We must run for our lives!

(The Sackville Baggins couple run down the road once again except in terror and go down to the party field. Bilbo sighs in relief and goes out to retrieve his goblin head and then walks in. Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting on the ridge in front of Bag End. Together they are both smoking.)

Bilbo: Copenhagen. The finest weed in the south farthing.

Gandalf: I thought you liked Old Toby.

Bilbo: Well I kind of do. But I've got all kinds of favorites here.

(Bilbo fumbles through his pockets and takes out several round items.)

Bilbo: I have Copenhagen, Skill, Heroin, Cocaine, Marijuana, oh and here's some cigarettes...

Gandalf: Where did you get all those?

(Bilbo shruggs his shoulders.)

Bilbo: I got Copenhagen from Balin, and Skill from Kili. The Heroin, Cocaine, and Marijuana I found wrapped with web from the spiders of Mirkwood.

Gandalf: Huh. And where did you find those cigarettes?

Bilbo: Oh. These cigarettes I stole from Gollum's pocket while we were doing riddles in the dark. I bet all the smoking that he did was what had made him thin.

Gandalf: Was there anything else you might have taken from him or found in his cave?

Bilbo: No.

(Gandalf looks suspiciously at Bilbo and then turns his gaze to the party.)

(Meanwhile down at the party field lots and lots of hobbits are coming and bringing dishes and all kinds of food. The four hobbits are gathered around the cake and are wondering when they should light it.)

Frodo: Where's Bilbo?

Sam: Don't worry Mr. Frodo. I saw him smoking with Gandalf a moment ago.

Frodo: Oh good.

Merry: Great! I think we should light the candles now.

Pippin: Your wish is my command.

(Pippin grabs a torch from a fireplace and starts lighting the candles each and one of them. The candles melt right away onto the cake and the three other hobbits stare at Pippin. Pippin nervously chuckles and throws the stick near Mr. Sackvilles head. His hair catches on fire and he starts screaming in agony. The party though is too happy to look at one hobbit in pain. Mr. Sackville then dumps his head into a pig pond only a few hundred yards away from the party field. Pippin then grabs a hobbit ukulele and shouts out,)

Pippin: All right you hobbits of the Shire. Start dancing.

(The hobbit band starts playing while Gandalf lets a firework off that comes down in the shape of the Party Tree. Frodo starts joining in and then sees Sam drinking by himself.)

Frodo: Come on Sam. Ask Rosy for a dance.

Sam: I think I'll get another ale.

Frodo: O no you don't.

(Frodo turns Sam around and pushes Sam towards Rosy and they both start dancing together.)

Frodo: Go on.

(Meanwhile Merry and Pippin are looking among the fireworks and Merry demands Pippin to get the "big one". Pippin finally grabs a dragon-firework and hops off. Merry gazes in awe and then bites into an apple before going into a hobbit tent of secrecy.)

Pippin: There! Done!

Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground!

(Merry pushes firework towards Pippin.)

Pippin: It is in the ground.

(Pippin pushes firework towards Merry.)

Merry: Outside!

(Merry pushes it towards Pippin and Pippin pushes it towards Merry.)

Pippin: It was your idea!

(The dragon-firework launches into the air and turns into a dragon and comes back down again. While it is getting closer Sam takes one of his kitchen skillets and "hits" the dragon right on the head. Once he brings the skillet back down it's all melted. Frodo sees it to and warns Bilbo.)

Frodo: Bilbo it's a dragon!

Bilbo: Dragon? Nonsense. There hasn't been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years.

Mr. Sackville: It's the end of the world!

Mrs. Sackville: Run for your lives!

(All the hobbits lie down as they see the firework go off into the distance and then blow into millions of flower shaped explosions. Hobbits clap and shout in delight.)

Frodo: I haven't seen Gandalf have a dragon-firework before.

Bilbo: Maybe he took it from Disneyland.

Frodo: Impossible.

(Meanwhile the two mischievous hobbits see what they have done.)

Merry: That was good!

Pippin: Let's go get another one.

(Both scream in pain as Gandalf grabs both hobbit's ear.)

Gandalf: Merriadoc Whiskeyduck. And Peresmile Took. I might have known.

(Then the hobbits are punished by washing all the dishes.)

Merry whispers to Pippin: It was your fault, not mine.

Pippin: No! You're the one that suggested it. And to light it next to Sam and Rosy.

Merry: No! That was your idea.

Pippin: No! That was yours!

Merry: You bucket mouth.

(Meanwhile the hobbits are goading Bilbo on to give a speech. Bilbo readily agrees and stands on top of a washing bucket to let the hobbits get a better view of him.)

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Coffins, Books and Whiskeyducks. Grubs, Pubs, Bornblowers, Bracegirdles, and Proudfoots.

Proudfoot 1: Proudfeet!

Bilbo: Today is my 111th birthday!

(Cheers and whistles spread through the hobbit crowd. And exclamations of Happy Birthday!)

Bilbo: At last 111 years is far too short a time with such excellent and admirable hobbits. I don't like you as half as well as I should like. And I like you twice as much as half of you deserve.

(Cell-Phone rings in Bilbo's pocket.)

Bilbo: I...I have things to do.

(Bilbo takes out cell phone and the One Ring behind his back.)

Bilbo whispers to himself: I've called on this cell phone far to long.

Bilbo: I regret to announce this is the end. I'm going now. I bid you a very fond farewell.

Bilbo whispers: Goodbye.

(Bilbo disappears and the hobbits all gasp in shock and dismay. Most of the hobbits get up and start calling out to Bilbo. Others run up to his barrel and feel around it to see if they were hallucinating. Merry comes out in a humph and puph out of a tent. His hair is all nicely done and clean.)

Merry: What happened Pip?

Pippin: It looks like Bilbo got raptured!

Merry: Really? You look so pale. What are you going to do now? Just stand staring where Bilbo had been?

(The color in Pippin returns and he sighs in relief.)

Pippin: What I'm going to do is ask for one-fifth of Bilbo's property before the Sacksville Bagginses do.

(Pippin grabs a cup full of beer and starts climbing up towards Bag End.)

(Frodo is shocked and joins other hobbits in finding Bilbo.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo...have you seen Pippin?

Frodo: Well last time I saw him he was running off towards Bywater road with Rosy.

(Sam grits his teeth.)

Sam: He went off with Rosy?

Frodo: Yes.

Sam: I'll fix him for good!

(Sam starts running down hill and reaches Bywater road in a few minutes. Meanwhile Bilbo has been bustling secretly through the crowd of hobbits and comes into the kitchen. He lifts some plates and then places them noisily onto his finger accidentally; when Frodo comes in. Bilbo grunts in pain.)

Frodo: Bilbo? Are you here?

Bilbo mimicks Mrs. Sackville's voice: I think I found him!

(Frodo goes out and joins the bustling crowd of hobbits. Bilbo sighs in relief and reaches Bag End. He reappears and laughs. He flips ring and it descends almost onto the chandelier. Bilbo leaps and misses catching it and it instead falls in front of him. Bilbo picks it up and gets his staff and other things. Meanwhile Pippin is sitting next to Rosy on a wood railing that stands next to Bywater river. A jug of beer that had been empty sits next to Pippin.)

Rosy: I hope Bilbo Baggins is doing all right.

Pippin: Me too.

(Pippin burps.)

Pippin: Not that I care. There are more important things then Bilbo being raptured.

Rosy: Really? What are those, may I ask?

Pippin: You.

Rosy: Me?

Pippin: Yes you. Rosy thingypin.

Rosy: Me? Important?

Pippin: Yes you. Tomorrow you're going to be my wife.

Rosy: Pippin!

(Rosy whacks Pippin on the head. Pippin rubs his head.)

Pippin: What?

Rosy: You're going to marry me?

Pippin: Yes.

Rosy: Why? I thought S...

Pippin: That florist doesn't love you. He only loves himself.

Rosy: What?

Pippin: Here. (Pippin pulls out a paper that is supposedly Sam's) He writes right here that he doesn't love youoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(Pippin gets pushed off into Bywater river by Sam. Sam then looks down to make sure Pippin got a good driping.)

Sam: That'll serve him.

Rosy: Sam?

Sam: Yes Rosy. Just so you know Pip was telling you lies. I had to stop him before his blubbering mouth talked too much.

Rosy: Then what did you write?

(Rosy crumples Pippin's false work and throws it into the river.)

Sam: I wrote that...I'll be leaving.

Rosy: What? Where?

Sam: Master Gandalf told me today only an hour ago that I'm supposed to go with Mr. Frodo to Bree.

Rosy: Bree? That's a long ways from here. How shall you survive?

Sam: Easy. On wild mushrooms and wild...

Rosy: Oh...Sam.

(Rosy bursts into tears and kisses Sam. Pippin surfaces to the water and sees Sam kissing Rosy. He grits his teeth and squeezes the water out of his hobbit clothes.)

(Rosy stops kissing.)

Rosy: How long Sam?

Sam: Oh. Only for a couple months. I reassure you that I'll be back here by spring.

Rosy: That's thirteen months from now.

Sam: Anyway I'll try and come back as soon as possible.

Rosy: Goodnight Sam.

(Rosy leaves Sam and goes to her house. Sam sighs and walks back up Bywater road. When Sam is out of sight Pippin rushes out and heads for Buckland. At midnight he reaches there and bangs on Merry's hobbit door. Pippin here's a gun thingy and fires right at the hobbit door. Pippin moves out of the way just in time and puts his hand into the hole and unlocks the door from the inside.)

Merry: Who goes there? Is that you Charlemagne?

Pippin: No. Come on Merry we must pack.

(Merry yawns.)

Merry: Why?

(Pippin takes Merry's pack and starts stuffing it with foods and shotgun cartridges. He grabs a Swiss Army Knife and stuffs it in his pockets.)

Pippin: Because Sam has hired Frodo to go with him to Bree and get out a posse to arrest me or worst!

Merry: What could be worse?

(Merry yawns again.)

Pippin looks straight into Merry's eyes: They could drive me out of Hobbiton and never be able to return again.

(Pippin then returns to his excited packing. Merry is just as excited as Pippin and starts packing too.)

Merry: Tell me what you need Pippin and I'll get it.

Pippin: I need a machine gun, a 52 caliber sniper and an automatic pistol.

Merry: All right. No _problemo_!

(The two hobbits are packed and ready to go. Pippin though stops Merry from going out.)

Pippin: Forgot my lucky seeds.

(Pippin runs back and comes back with a pack of salted sunflower seeds. The packet says "Shires Lucky Seeds". Merry rolls his eyes.)

Pippin: All right let's go.

(The hobbits go back towards Hobbiton. Pippin sees a shooting star which turns out to be a UFO. The UFO though turns out to be a X Class Galaxy Starship and lands on Farmer Maggot's fields. A door opens and reaches the ground and out steps Data.)

Data: Hello Pippin. Need a ride?

Merry: You know this guy?

Pippin: Of course I do. I took control in a FB-47 when you were just a babe.

Merry: Why you!

(Merry kicks Pippin from behind and then starts chasing him. Pippin runs but waves back,)

Pippin: Never you mind, Data. Fly home without me. I've already got other problems.

(Meanwhile Sam and Frodo have set off on the outskirts of Hobbiton in early morning and have come to a farmer's crops.)

Sam: This is it.

Frodo: This is what?

Sam: If I take one more step...it'll be the farthest away from Rosy I've ever been.

Frodo: Come on Sam. You know what Bilbo said. It's a dangerous business Frodo. Stepping off your door and if you don't keep your feet...there's no telling where you might end up to.

Sam: Yes I remember.

Frodo: Then let's us go out into the world and...

(Frodo and Sam get pushed over by two other hobbits. The two hobbits are Merry and Pippin.)

Pippin: Hey Merry it's Frodo. I thought it was Rosy.

Merry: Bide you Frodo.

(Sam pulls Pippin off of Frodo.)

Sam: Get off of him. Sorry Mr. Frodo.

(Sam then recognizes that the two hobbits have been up to mischief.)

Sam: You've been robbing Farmer Maggot's Crops.

(Distant voice calls.)

Farmer Maggot: Hey! Get out of my fields. I'll catch you if you don't run...

(Pippin running through corn field.)

Pippin: I don't see why he's so grumpy. All we took was some cabagges. And some carrots last week. And the bag of mushrooms the week before.

Merry: Yes Pippin! My point is...he's clearly overeactin.

Pippin: Run!

(Thirteen months later...)

(The hobbits have all gone through there adventures and Frodo has destroyed the One Ring in Mount Doom. They have all visited what they need to have visited and have returned back to Hobbiton. The hobbits right now are dressed in strange atire.)

Merry: Well Pip. I can now boast that I have a satellite phone now.

Pippin: You don't have one yet.

Merry: Well Strider promised me after he was crowned that he would install one in my hobbit hole.

Pippin: Well...Strider promised me to get cable connected from my hobbit hole, all the way to Isengard Radio Tower.

Merry: How is he going to do that?

Pippin: Easy. He just hires a bunch of Dwarves to go and dig a long line and then Vouala! Fully connected!

Merry: Wow.

(As the hobbits are riding Sam sees ten hobbit suitors at Rosy's door and are talking to her drunkenly with mugs of beer in their hands. Sam's eyes widen.)

Sam: Excuse me Mr. Frodo. But I've got some business with these confounded, drunken, tulip-livered hobbits.

Frodo: Uh, Sam I don't think...

(Sam stops his pony and pulls out a tazer that has an insignia that says, "Minas Tirith Police Force". Sam gets close and the hobbits stop laughing and stare at Sam.)

Sam: If you'll excuse me gentlehobbits...I've got a date with Rosy.

(The ten hobbits immediatly throw down their mugs and pull out knives.)

Pippin: Look's like it's going to be one heaven of a fight.

Merry: Let's hope Sam still has his fists.

Hobbit 1: Yer weerent going to terk a date with Posy...unlerrs yer go through me.

Sam: With pleasure.

(Sam press the tazer button and zaps the hobbit . The hobbit gasps and falls down stunned. A second hobbit comes with a cow prong and turns it on. Sam ducks as the hobbit swings it. The cow prong hits Pippin on the head and he falls over stunned. Sam grabs the hobbit's prong and zaps him with it. That hobbit falls unconscious while the rest run. Rosy has been gaping this whole time and meets eyes with Sam.)

Rosy: Sam!

Sam: Rosy!

(Both hobbits run to meet each other and hug and embrace each other. Merry puts on some dark sunglasses and takes out a cell phone.)

Merry: Get me to Rivindell's Finest quick!

Ent Opperator: Yesss Sir. Har-Boom. I'll connect you to them right away. Haroom-Rum.

Merry: Thank you!

(Merry waits for a while and then hears an elf pick up the phone.)

Merry: Is this Rivindell's Finest?

Elf: Yes this is Rivindell's Finest. How may I help you?

Merry covers cell-phone: He sounds like an answering machine.

Merry: I need all your best wedding preperations in Hobbiton as soon as possible. You understand?

Elf: Yes...but all the best wedding preparations were taken to Mirkwood. Legolas Greenleaf is getting married and a Gondorian called FirstBorn is hosting it.

Merry: Oh man. Well tell him I want them right after he's done with his wedding. Do you understand?

Elf: Yes sir.

Merry: And don't call me sir I'm a hobbit. We aren't humans.

Elf: Yes sir.

Merry: WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Elf: Yes sir.

Merry: I could have you hang!

Answering machine with the same elf's voice: Yes this is Rivindell's finest how may I help you?

(Merry turns off cell-phone. Merry turns to Sam with Rosy in arm to arm with him.)

Merry: Sorry Sam. It looks like that Rivendell doesn't have the wedding specials right now.

Sam: That's all right. All I care is that I have a bonny bride with me.

Frodo: I didn't know you were Scot.

Sam: I never told you that?

Frodo: No.

Sam: Well I don't care.

(Sam walks off hapily with Rosy in his arms. Several years past. Sam marrys Rosy and Pippin gets her boquoit. And then after that all four hobbits go to Legolos's Ball and hava a great time there. There they meet the great elf princess FirstBorn who was hosting it and then go back to the shire. Then sadly Frodo leaves for Valinor with Gandalf, Galadriel, Bilbo, and several other elves. Sam then turns back to his home and sees Elanor running out to meet him. Rosy is holding his children and she kisses him in greeting and love.)

Sam: Well I'm back.

(Sam's family goes in and closes the door. And Pippin later writes in his book that he loved Sam but says later on,)

Pippin: Curses. Curses. Foiled again.

Finis

or in the vulgar tongue

The End


End file.
